Up in Smoke: The (quicky-dissipating) Joys of Smoking pt. 2

Hello, my fine and (hopefully) extant readership! I am back with more of that vitriol tonic, that medicated bile, that fix of anger, that illegally-prescribed hate that you love so much.

This article, as you may well have put together, is my reaction to the anti-smoking fervor that has gripped the planet. OK, folks, we get it already. Nothing is more important than you and yours. I'm not saying I'm not looking out for #1, but honestly! you don't see me writing letters to congressmen asking them to ban offensively bad taste or lobbying to end the lives of countless mental incompetents. It's just that I'm a tolerant guy.

We have to look at this smoking thing from two angles, the civil rights issue and the health issue. The former is not a difficult one to argue. No government can justifiably prohibit activities that either harm no one, only harm the individual participating in the activity, or harm consenting adults. Unfortunately, second-hand smoke couldn't be left alone, and now we are in murky territory concerning the harm smoking brings upon others.

From a statistical standpoint, I can't argue that second-hand smoke is harmless, except to question that these scientists aren't just lying to us at the behest of government and industry. As likely as that is, for the sake of argument, we'll say the facts are straight. So, second-hand smoke kills. 53,000 American non-smokers a year. A whopping 0.02% of the population. It just screams health crisis to me!

The main issue I have with these cries for justice and the well-being of the population is that it comes from people who DO NOT analyze their behaviors. They take these studies as gospel and jump on whatever bandwagon the study is concerned with, failing to realize that every other aspect of their lives is just as damaging to the public health and global state. For example, it strikes me as ridiculous that a city as polluted as New York could possibly benefit from a smoking ban. Not that they will ever be done, but I'd like to see a study on the effect of car exhaust on respiratory disease. Hell, why stop there? What about heavy industry? Construction? Demolition? The data does not exist, but common sense would dictate that these factors contribute to illness far more significantly than inhaling smoke at a bar.

To migrate from the main point a bit, I want to focus on the smoking ban in restaurants and bars. I don't see what the public health has to do with consensual exposure to smoke. I should state the obvious: NO ONE IS AT ALL CONFUSED ABOUT THE DEADLINESS OF SMOKE. So, when someone goes to a bar and has a cigarette, and another consumer walks into a cloud of smoke, neither of them will wake up in the future in an indignant rage, cursing the government for allowing such a product as cigarettes to exist. For fuck's sake, if you had any common sense and were concerned for your health, you wouldn't be drinking in bars in the first place.
Assuming people are making informed decisions based on facts (a dangerous assumption, I know, but you are aware of my stance: if people refuse to think about anything, fuck 'em, they should die), doesn't it stand to reason that the invisible hand of the market would sort this matter out? Those who prefer to smoke and be in the company of smokers can go to bars where people smoke, and those who don't can go to the next fucking bar. Come on people, it's not as if there aren't thousands of bars in this city. Just go to a bar that serves your particular(ly stupid) clientele. Correspondingly, if, like the uppity bitch that started this whole mess, you are just too fragile to work in a smoky environment, I have a simple solution for you: WORK SOMEWHERE ELSE!!!! Can we momentarily consider the idiocy of taking second-hand smoke out of bars where it only harms those who aren't bothered and putting it on sidewalks where it does actually affect the public health? Nice thinking, Bloomberg! Remind me to push you into traffic.

To wrap this up: listen, all you anti-smokers out there, until you clean up your act and erase your ugly footprint from the earth by reducing your need for imported crap and fancy gadgetry, ease up on the moral crusading, would ya? It's fucking annoying, and moreover fucking wrong.

Expect more rants like this on such prosaic subjects as drunk-driving and cop-killing!

404: Time Not Found

Since I last updated (and I don't mean a week ago, you moron!), I have had a few experiences worth note. Unfortunately, I had to reformat my computer and lost all of my chatlogs which are the only way I can recall those memories, so I'll just give you a brief fly-by:

December: Still in school (cue epic foreshadowing music) and cold. Christmas break markedly lamer than last year's acid-fest at Nikolai's house. Still, drinks were drunk and a good time was had by all.

January: Boring, anti-climactic New Years, but that is how I like it. All the cool kids get drunk on the roughly 330 days of the year that aren't holidays. Moved out of the folk's house for the second time, after much delay and consternation about a stove. The first of many "mega-parties" occurs, and the USA is well represented by me against a paltry offering by Australia in the first annual winter drinking Olympics.

February: A waning interest in school marks this month, spurred by the hugely obvious revelation that my classmates are supreme dunces. Many beers had by all.

March: I ostensibly drop out of school at this point and begin looking for a job. Life is bleak, meaningless, and monotonous. Even drugs and alcohol begin to lose their lustre.

April: It is around this time that Teo begins hosting parties at his house, attended by various degenerates at various degrees of degeneration. Beer replaced by liquor as the official drink of the USA team. 4/20 is such a disaster that I consider giving up weed for good, but settle on reduced use. To elaborate, the 4/20 plan was to get copious amounts of weed, smoke it, eat weed cookies, have a decent BBQ and then make merry afterwards with my closest and most cherished friends. The dealer flaked, the cookies were weak, the BBQ occurred during debilitating darkness and the meat was nearly raw on the inside and charred black on the outside. There were no utensils and burns were suffered by all. After this fiasco, we returned to my house and finally managed to "cop", but, just as things were finally taking a turn for the groovy, some assholes who will remain unnamed (just kidding, fuck you Victor and Nick) assaulted me with their sheer disregard for my ears.

May: Same as April, fucked up and depressed.

June: Hurray! I'm a 20-year-old failure! At least that's how the month begins. However, I finally begin to regain my notorious disregard for my own well-being and start to enjoy myself again. I also finally realize just how good I am at music and decide to adopt Nick as my hapless young ward. Much time is spent practicing in various forms of consciousness, and many well-played, though ill-attended, shows are performed by the Sedgwick Machine. Additionally, Oliver's party season begins and I'm introduced to some very interesting people. Tangentially, new-age hippies are a pathetic and ineffectual lot who care more about jerking each other off and selling over-priced bullshit than actually contributing anything to society (I'm looking at you, Chapel of Sacred Mirrors).

July: So far, no job, but I'm optimistic, even if naively. Hopefully I'll have some good luck soon, else I reckon it's hanging time!

That concludes this segment of Eli Lamb: The Greatest Mind of the 21st Century. Come back next time for some real, down-home jokery!

P.S. R.I.P George Carlin

Crazed Productivity!

Hello folks! I thought it would be nice to combine one constantly-begged-for update with one I just thought of a few days ago.

The list of things I would beat my children for being (also to be included in the 9/10's plan):

1. Vegans: All cliched criticsm aside, the only reason your lifestyle is possible is because you don't actually have to work to make your food, you hypocritical cheesecunts! All cliched critism brought to the forefront, Vegans are annoying, stupid and useless. Fuck 'em all.

2. Pro-lifers: Listen up you rich, lazy shitbags, It's obvious you just want more parentally-ignored, obediant workers. Soon, I hope, the brains of humanity will understand the huge danger in your selfish, yokel consumerism; copious child birth is the most catastrophic of consumeristic calamities!

3. Anti-gun folks: Let's get the obvious contradiction aside: the same folks who claim to live in the name of social justice and truth are trying to eliminate access to the tools necessary to accomplish those aims. Did you think the American Revolution was won with "edgy" youtube videos and blog posts? The other crutch of this functionally retarded segment of the population is the claim that "citizens in need can rely on the police and therefore do not require individual protection". Have these people ever dealt with crime, much less the police? The only thing the police can do is dish out punishment, not prevent crime. Just another bunch of army-type morons whose sole pleasure is the domination or murder of others. The police will not save you or your family when a psychotic killer comes for you. They'll just check the DNA in the cum stains and find the criminal. They'll execute him, sure, but what good will that do you, you dead fuck?

That's all for tonight, folks. This list will be updated occaisonally, so if you see "vegans" at the top of my page, i've probably updated the list and your lazy ass can just scroll down to the next scourge of humanity! Maybe it'll even be you!

A revelation

And a promise of more updates to come!

Revelation: I've found the true textbook, functional definition of happiness!

Happiness is directly proportional to how much of a pain the ass it would be to die at a certain moment (the moment in question of happiness).

For those of you too stupid to understand English syntax, here is an example that even your few synapses will activate for:

From personal experience, I was less pissed to be fatally run over by a truck when I had no job, but now that I'm doing things (note: last 3 words [4 if you count I'm as 2 words] constituted a lie) I don't want it to happen.

Don't take my confused ramblings for it, Just think of a "good time in your life". Would you have been really sad (as a ghost) to have died at this time? Then you were happy, you moron! Get off the zoloft and just do whatever makes you feel like you would be said sad ghost!